TFLN: Wrestling Style
by Debwood-1999
Summary: Inspired by Kermit The Yoda's work. What happens when you cross wrestlers with a cell phone? Hilarity, of course!
1. Chapter 1

_**TFLN: Wrestling Style**_

**Okay, I'm jumping on the Texts From Last Night bandwagon. This was inspired by Kermit The Yoda (Check her stories out, BTW, she's awesome!) and her Texts From Last Night: Pro Wrestling Edition. I couldn't help throw in my offering, TFLN is just too fun and too hard to resist.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing (except Anna Hollenbeck). Any other OC's mentioned are property of their respective writers. BTW, Ryan Shamrock was Ken's kayfabe little sister during 1999 who got involved with Val Venis.**

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Wade Barrett<strong>  
>i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home<p>

**To: Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<br>Subject: Mindy Stratus-Lawson**  
>she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet<br>**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building<br>**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>Tie<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Losing it to Val Venis<strong>  
>So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>You're 20.<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>IT'S BUILD A BEAR!<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>You're the best girlfriend ever.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Kurt Angle<strong>  
>so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (Jeff Hardy was also involved)<strong>  
>hey this is Anna, i have to type for Jeff because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (high school setting)<strong>  
>my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Evan Bourne (high school setting)<strong>  
>i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Anna**  
>She drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got her phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon (College setting)<strong>  
>Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>dude. I'm so drunk.<br>**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>Randy, this is Cody's mom<br>**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I can't wait to have my cock in your ass<br>**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>Randy, this is still Cody's mom<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk &amp; 2 days. YESSSS.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Practical joke on Edge (Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk were also involved—college setting)<strong>  
>after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Sex with Jeff Hardy**  
>Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>How do you jack off and text at the same time?<br>**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>On my iPhone they have an app for that<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night<p>

**To: Everyone on her phone list  
>From: Kelly Kelly<strong>  
>This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.<p>

**To:Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.<p>

**To: Maryse  
>From: Ted DiBiase<strong>  
>I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Laycool<strong>  
>Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I wonder if u can grow weed on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars?<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. Ever.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxicating. your liver will thank you. "<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>bring the vodka.<br>**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?<br>**To: Jeff Hardy**  
><strong>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>we are.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<br>Subject: Lita**  
>It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)<strong>  
>Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>A lesson I learned in the hospital...when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling<br>**To: Kimo:  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper<p>

**To: Miz  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: Melina**  
>i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>hows the party?<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>ists fjcssing insceredle<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>be there in 10<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Kelly Kelly<br>**This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabilities. Time slots begin at noon

**To: Christian  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian (during the trishchristian/jericho storyline)**  
>i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<br>Subject: Sex with Evan Bourne**  
>having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>im at a loss of words... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high<br>**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>worker bees can leave...even drones can fly away...the queen is their slave<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>nevermind...I'm on the way<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I really wanna talk..<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>He's a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson<br>Subject: Anna Hollenbeck's party**  
>She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Mr. Anderson  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw<p>

**To: Ken Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>I'm fucking your sister right now.<br>**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ken Shamrock<strong>  
>You motherfucker<br>**To: Ken Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>She's next.<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center<br>**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth<p>

**To: CM Punk  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: Melina**  
>So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow<p>

**To: John Morrison  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: Sex with John Morrison (domestic JoMo)**  
>We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Partying with Daniel Bryan (Evan Bourne was also involved)**  
>His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Matt Hardy and Edge<strong>  
>we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam (high school (college setting)<strong>  
>My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 421. Challenge accepted

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Playoffs. This shit is serious.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...<p>

**REVIEWS = LOVE!**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMERS: Not my characters (except for Anna). OCs mentioned here are properties of their respective authors.**

_**Chapter Two**_

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>High enough to fry lime slices...tasted like shit, by the way<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>What color are my eyes?<br>**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Ummmm... 34 C?<p>

**To: Matt and Jeff Hardy, Kimo, Shannon Moore, Edge and Christian  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk<strong>  
>Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.<p>

**To: CM Punk  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: Melina**  
>She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson, Rob Van Dam and the Hardyz  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>Why does tequila always make you text me?<p>

**To: Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Evan Bourne (college setting)<strong>  
>composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismoltums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)<strong>  
>in my drunkenness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.<p>

**To: John Cena and Evan Bourne  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Do you realize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.<p>

**To: Christian (Chris Jericho was also involved)  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>You weighed it?<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy and Cooper Lawson<br>Subject: Taker and Michelle's Wedding Reception**  
>I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Wade Barrett<br>Subject: Daniel Bryan**  
>As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"<p>

**To: Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<br>Subject: Mindy Stratus-Lawson**  
>She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>woke up this morning with a big mac and fries on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.<p>

**To: CM Punk  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>you drank 34s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actually had sex in it.

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Wade Barrett<strong>  
>You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>Subject: Threesome with Rated RKO (Edge & Randy Orton)**  
>Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole...that's a new level of I don't give a fuck<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<br>Subject: Where's Anna?**  
>The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the subway singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down<p>

**To: Melina  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Reby Sky and Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Matt Hardy**  
>We talked him into tasing himself. (SIDEBAR: Matt talked Reby into taking a taser hit, and from what I've read, it's one of the reasons why he got suspended from TNA).<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<br>Subject: Val Venis**  
>I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>fuck. you.<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<br>Subject: Kimo**  
>I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you<p>

**To: Ted Dibiase  
>From: Cody Rhodes<br>Subject: Maryse**  
>Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.<p>

**To: Beth Phoenix  
>From: Natalya<strong>  
>I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Practical Joke on Anna Hollenbeck**  
>Anna passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk  
>From: Kimo:<strong>  
>Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.<p>

**To: Jerry Lawler  
>From: Michael Cole<strong>  
>Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.<p>

**To: Melina  
>From: Mickie James<br>Subject: Taker and Michelle's Wedding**  
>I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<br>Subject: Evan Bourne**  
>he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pinkblue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" again

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Sex with Jeff Hardy**  
>I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.<p>

**REVIEWS = LOVE**


	3. Chapter 3

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Okay, I've decided to challenge myself in these next two chapters. I did a search on TFLN with different keywords. Please let me know if this sucked or not.**

**DISCLAIMERS: See previous two chapters, I'm not typing anything out again.**

_**Chapter Three**_

**Keyword: PORN**

**To: Stephanie McMahon and Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<br>Subject: Saving Ryan's Privates with Val Venis**  
>WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT (SIDEBAR: Anna and Stephanie are friends with Ken's sister Ryan in one of my stories).<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>whose oscar?<br>**To: Kimo  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>i wish peter jackson would direct porn<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?<br>**To: Edge  
>From:Christian<strong>  
>better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn<p>

**To: Lita  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>Am I supposed to find that romantic?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: John Morrison**  
>he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.<br>**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Shut up. I did not.<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>I really wish I was making that up.<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebrities, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. The Internet in a nutshell.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?<p>

**To: Mindy Stratus-Lawson  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Daniel Bryan (high school setting)<strong>  
>Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>porn bloopers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)<strong>  
>just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.<p>

**To: Dolph Ziegler  
>From: Zach Ryder<strong>  
>I think I have a pornographic memory.<br>**To: Zach Ryder  
>From: Dolph Ziegler<strong>  
>Don't you mean photographic?<br>**To: Dolph Ziegler  
>From: Zach Ryder<strong>  
>No.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Jeff Hardy and Edge<strong>  
>we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"<p>

**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>Subject: Sex with Edge**  
>we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Daniel Bryan (college setting)<strong>  
>Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.<p>

**To: Shawn Michaels  
>From: Bret Hart<strong>  
>I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me. (SIDEBAR: Bret took a couple of semesters of film production classes after graduation, according to his autobiography).<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shane Helms<strong>  
>You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Miz<strong>  
>They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge and Christian<strong>  
>we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know<p>

**To: Ken Shamrock  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.<p>

**To: Colt Cabana  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>stop calling my apartment porn island.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Trish**  
>yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson<strong>  
>i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook. made sense at 3am<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.<p>

**To: Natalya  
>From: Beth Phoenix<strong>  
>Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>guys are only as good as the porn they watch<p>

**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn<br>**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne (college setting)<strong>  
>i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"<p>

**To: HHH and HBK  
>From: Hornswaggle.<strong>  
>new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.<br>**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: The Undertaker<strong>  
>Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.<br>**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Send those Picts to my email please. From last night<br>**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Ps thx for the porn on my phone<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>;) ur welcome<p>

**To: Alex Riley  
>From: Miz<strong>  
>My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.<br>**To: Miz  
>From: Alex Riley<strong>  
>Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.<p>

**WHAT A BUNCH OF HORNDOGS, HUH?;)**

**REVIEWS = LOVE**


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMERS: See first chapter**

_**Chapter Four**_

**KEYWORD: VODKA**

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel (college setting)<br>Subject: Daniel Bryan**  
>He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in<p>

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge and Chris Jericho<strong>  
>wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?<br>**To:Edge and Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>how could i say no?<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Reby Sky<strong>  
>you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian (college setting)<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shane Helms<strong>  
>final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Matt Hardy<br>Subject: Edge**  
>Are you with Adam and his vodka?<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued<p>

**To Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel (college setting)<strong>  
>I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"<br>**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I puked last night after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Anna Hollenbeck**  
>she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.<p>

**To:Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>**Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge and Christian (Jericho was also involved)<strong>  
>This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne (college setting)<strong>  
>We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.<br>**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>Subject: Matt and Reby**  
>fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Laycool<strong>  
>In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.<p>

**To: Shane Helms  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee, i misplaced my car.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>ugh. my soul tastes like vodka<p>

**To: Matt and Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Maryse<strong>  
>I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Evan Bourne<br>Subject: Last night's party**  
>They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: The Undertaker<strong>  
>you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better<p>

~~~TFLNWS~~~~

**KEYWORD: McDonald's**

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>like it was yesterday<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge and Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From:Edge<strong>  
>A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds<br>**To: Twitter  
>From:Edge<strong>  
>She started it, but I totally finished it.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had<p>

**To: Colt Cabana  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!...how many u want?<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>All of them<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>we can't do that now- first bc they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.

**To: Maryse  
>From: Ted Dibiase<strong>  
>At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.<p>

**To:Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett<strong>  
>We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.<p>

**To: Matt and Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt and Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Yes.<br>**To: Matt and Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge and Christian<strong>  
>The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>I was drunk at matts. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. Wtf<p>

**To: Natalya  
>From: Beth Phoenix<strong>  
>Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>RUDE.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>outsmarted mickey deeeees<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Laycool<strong>  
>Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes...low point.<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy (Lita was also involved)<strong>  
>She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed<p>

**REVIEWS = LOVE**


	5. Chapter 5

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Yet another chapter of texting hilarity! **

**DISCLAIMERS: Not mine (except for my OC). All other OC's are property of their respective writers.**

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>DRUNK CANOEING<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Please text me if you survive.<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>LAND HO BITCH<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back:)<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>I miss the smell of you or some shit.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.<p>

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up<p>

**To: The Miz  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: CM Punk**  
>why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.<p>

**To: Ted Dibiase  
>From: Maryse<strong>  
>He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.<br>**To: Maryse  
>From: Ted Dibiase<strong>  
>I feel like you never had a virginity..<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.<p>

**To: Matt and Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge and Christian<strong>  
>Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Maryse<strong>  
>Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.<p>

**To: Everyone on Matt's phone list  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Lita (College Setting)<br>Subject: Matt Hardy**  
>I had to brake up with him.<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>In my experience drinking helps.<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>You dont want to know why?<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Not really. I want to drink.<p>

**To: Everyone in her phone book  
>From: Kelly Kelly<strong>  
>As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Melina<br>Subject: John Morrison**  
>Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog<p>

**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne (high school setting)<strong>  
>Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (High school setting)<strong>  
>just caught grandpa beating off in the living room<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single<p>

**To: The Miz  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: CM Punk**  
>the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.<br>**To: John Morrison  
>From: The Miz<strong>  
>elevator sex. Pronto.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>are you seriously doing this over text message<br>**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>hahaha no, but i am dumping you.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.<p>

**To: Lita  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day &amp; I don't do other peoples laundry for free.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.<p>

**To: CM Punk  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: John Morrison**  
>You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.<p>

**To: Layla  
>From: Michelle McCool<strong>  
>Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon (after the boob job)  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS<p>

**To: Kane  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>happy early fathers day!<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Kane<strong>  
>im not a father<br>**To: Kane  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>about that...<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge &amp; Christian<strong>  
>so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>im getting coffee to go get coffee.<br>**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Maryse<br>Subject: Ted Dibiase**  
>Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Chrstian<strong>  
>ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Evan Bourne<br>Subject: Randy Orton**  
>Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<br>Subject: Val Venis**  
>all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Kimo<br>Subject: Shannon Moore**  
>I'm so sorry man. Shannon cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>Subject: Rated RKO**  
>What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks<p>

**REVIEWS = LOVE**


	6. Chapter 6

**YAAY! Another chapter of texting insanity!:)**

**DISCLAIMERS: Not my characters (except for Anna. Other OC's are property of their respective owners)**

**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Lita<br>Subject: Kane**  
>It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Alex Shelley &amp; Chris Sabin<strong>  
>The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelope. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Justin Gabriel<br>Subject: Wade Barrett**  
>i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>?I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>What's the address?<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Too drunk. Just google it.<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>IT'S YOUR HOUSE<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<br>Subject: Val Venis**  
>He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>how high are you?<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I've got a whole system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.<br>**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<br>**That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

**To: John Cena  
>From: Evan Bourne<br>Subject: Randy Orton**  
>He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window! I love Boston on st. Patties day!<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: John Morrison**  
>Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon-Calaway<strong>  
>I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth <strong>(SIDEBAR: I shamelessly ship Taker and Stephanie)<strong>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit<p>

**To: CM Punk  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.<br>**To: AJ Lee  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>When were you at my house?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Facebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Mindy Stratus Lawson<br>Subject: James Lawson**  
>I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.<p>

**To:Jeff Hardy  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.<br>**To: CM Punk  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I'm out of town so we should be golden.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Drew McIntyre**  
>He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fucking in the elevator is frowned upon.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Evan Bourne**  
>dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge &amp; Christian<strong>  
>We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down<p>

**To: Lita  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.<p>

**To: Everyone on her phone list  
>From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson<strong>  
>Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)<strong>  
>I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: AJ Lee**  
>She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.<p>

**KEYWORD: TACO BELL**

**To: Alex Shelley  
>From: Chris Sabin<strong>  
>and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants<p>

**To: Kimo  
>From: Matt Hardy<br>Subject: Shannon Moore**  
>You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...<p>

**To: Ted Dibiase  
>From: Cody Rhodes<br>Subject: Randy Orton**  
>He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.<p>

**To: Chris Sabin  
>From: Alex Shelley<strong>  
>thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!<br>**To: Alex Shelley  
>From: Chris Sabin<strong>  
>you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?<br>**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: The Miz<strong>  
>this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<br>Subject: Rob Van Dam**  
>At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.<br>**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Kimo<strong>  
>all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: The Miz**  
>I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian (college setting)<strong>  
>There's a girl in class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>**NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian (college setting)<br>Subject: Anna**  
>she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>That's the classiest thing you've ever said.<p>

**To: Alex Shelley  
>From: Chris Sabin<strong>  
>i wish we had vans that drove around at night but instead of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>Totally get that.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.<p>

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Maryse<strong>  
>Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.<p>

**To: Beer Money, Inc.  
>From: MCMG's (Motor City Machine Guns)<strong>  
>we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Anna**  
>She was really sick last night-but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy & Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Evan's Mom<strong>  
>I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I like taco bell too<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<br>Subject: Daniel Bryan**  
>Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell... I have no words<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!" i fucking love Hamilton.<p>

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.<p>

**To: Everyone on their phone lists  
>From: Beth Phoenix &amp; Natalya<strong>  
>Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Lita<br>Subject: Matt Hardy**  
>Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>which is why it's clearly superior<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: John Cena<br>Subject: Randy Orton**  
>So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.<p>

**To: Mickie James  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Mickie James<strong>  
>Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell...I'll try harder next time<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I chose taco bell over sex...<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>good choice.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>**Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?<p>

**To: Chris Sabin  
>From: Alex Shelley<strong>  
>I can't find my pants or my car<br>**To: Alex Shelley  
>From: Chris Sabin<strong>  
>I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...<br>**To: Chris Sabin  
>From: Alex Shelley<strong>  
>ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Michael Cole<strong>  
>|I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<br>Subject: Kimo's Party**  
>He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.<p>

**KEYWORD: WINGMAN**

**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: AJ Lee**  
>Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.<p>

**To: Ken Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>you are both the best and worst wingman ever.<p>

**To: David Hart Smith  
>From: Tyson Kidd<br>Subject: Partying with Natalya**  
>Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<br>Subject: Anna Hollenbeck and The Miz**  
>Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase<p>

**To: The Miz  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Wade Barrett<br>Subject: Justin Gabriel**  
>He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MY LIFE what happend?<br>**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>I wish there were wingman of the year awards.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>You were dancing around the club yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>I'm in your bed right now<br>**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Okay meet you there give me 10<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>Don't think you can make me leave either<br>**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian<br>**Give me ten I have to be Chris's wingman I want you

**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it<p>

**To: James Lawson  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone win a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up

**REVIEWS = LOVE**


	7. Chapter 7

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Haven't updated this one in a while. BTW, a lot of texts made me think of the Shield, so they're making an appearance.**

**DISCLAIMERS: See Chapter One, I'm not typing them out again (too lazy)**

_**Chapter Seven**_

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.<p>

**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Mickie James<strong>  
>Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."<p>

**To: Drew McIntyre & Jinder  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>just woke up under a car ? That's odd<br>**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Drew McIntyre &amp; Jinder<strong>  
>Holy fucking shit<br>**To: Drew McIntyre & Jinder  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER<br>**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?<br>**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Christian:<strong>  
>Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
>She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.<p>

**To: Michelle McCool  
>From: Layla<br>Subject: Mickie James**  
>She is the epitome of a puke &amp; rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar &amp; made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went &amp; passed out in her friends car &amp; apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in &amp; found the random guy again &amp; claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party &amp; stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw &amp; hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime<p>

**To: CM Punk (or so he thinks)  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.<br>**To: John Morrison  
>From: Don't know, but he's NOT CM Punk!<strong>  
>Who is this?!<br>**To: NOT CM Punk  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Last night's party (Dean &amp; Roman were involved, too)<strong>  
>All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Triple H<br>Subject: Anna Hollenbeck**  
>If you've never been partying there before, take Anna with you. Drunk Anna is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.<p>

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Chris Jericho<br>**Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

**To: Lita  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"<br>**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>I think you were raised by the wrong sister<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Christian**  
>He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.<p>

**To: Seth Rollins  
>From: Dean Ambrose<br>Subject: Dean & Roman**  
>My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.<br>**To: Dean Ambrose  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
>That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge &amp; Christian<strong>  
>The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Chris Jericho (college setting)<strong>  
>my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.<p>

**To: Zeb Coulter  
>From: Jack Swagger<strong>  
>Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.<p>

**To: Lita  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Sheamus<strong>  
>Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!<br>**To: Sheamus  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Be safe. And I hate you.<p>

**To: Dean & Roman  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
>1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.<br>**To: Dean & Roman  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
>7) Noodle arms: engage<br>**To: Dean & Roman  
>From: Seth Rollins<strong>  
>The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: <strong>Trish Stratus<strong>  
>Subject: <strong>**Mickie James**  
>It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.<br>**To: Twitter  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Thanks for fucking me in last night<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT<p>

**To: Sheamus  
>From: John Cena<br>Subject: The Shield**  
>They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>What should I say back?<br>**To: John Cena  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Well, how do you want the conversation to go?<br>**To: Randy Orton  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Straight into my pants.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<br>Subject: Cena and Orton**  
>Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Roman Reigns<strong>  
>Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Dolph Ziggler**  
>If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Lita<br>Subject: Being married to Kane**  
>I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married &amp; I just want a fucking divorce<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Lita<br>**Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.  
><strong>To: Lita<br>From: Heath Slater**  
>They have marijuana tests too!<p>

**To: Zack Ryder  
>From: Dolph Ziggler<strong>  
>woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo<p>

**To: Lita  
>From: Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro<strong>  
>We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro<strong>  
>The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay<p>

**To: John Morrison  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob...and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Mickie James<strong>  
>i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.<p>

**From: Anyone who's had a one night stand with Randy Orton**  
>Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me<p>

**To: Some random on her text list  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Rob Van Dam**  
>Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1 am?<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.<p>

**To: Zeb Coulter  
>From: Jack Swagger<strong>  
>My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour<p>

**To: Jack Swagger  
>From: Zeb Coulter<strong>  
>Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.<p>

**To: Dolph Ziggler  
>From AJ Lee<strong>  
>so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"<p>

**To: Mr. Anderson  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.<br>**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Mr. Anderson<strong>  
>How high are you?<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS! And a sandwich of your choosing...you like turkey?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Mickie James**  
>I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.<p>

**To: Miz  
>From: Maryse<strong>  
>At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Ashley Massaro<br>Subject: Mickie James**  
>she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>You have no idea what this does for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.<p>

**To: John Cena  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we used to, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!<br>**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Did she say Ok?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.<p>

**To: Seth & Roman  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>I have a surprise for you guys<br>**To: Dean Ambrose  
>From: Seth &amp; Roman<strong>  
>What is it?<br>**To: Seth & Roman  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.<p>

**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>So thats why that cop beat my ass?<br>**To: Shannon Moore  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Probably<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jack Swagger<strong>  
>I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>just won $200 from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>how?<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jeff Hardy<br>Subject: Shannon Moore**  
>he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Mindy Stratus<strong>  
>He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.<br>**To: Mindy Stratus  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>10 points to you<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Jack Swagger<strong>  
>The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Dolph Ziggler<strong>  
>Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.<p>

**To: Unidentified Professor  
>From: Kelly Kelly (college setting)<strong>  
>Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: The Miz**  
>Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.<p>

**To: Everyone on her phone list  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian (college setting)<strong>  
>So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Did he at least offer you guys chips?<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan  
>From: Dolph Ziggler<strong>  
>Is she still in your room?<br>**To: Dolph Ziggler  
>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
>Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>Score one for dad.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unattractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.<p>

**To: Ashley Massaro  
>From: Trish Stratus<br>Subject: Mickie James**  
>she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.<br>**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Ashley Massaro<strong>  
>so that's what that room is for...<p>

**To: Jack Swagger  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>**You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors

**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Christian (college setting)<strong>  
>At 2pm we are having a MANDATORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!<br>**To: Everyone on his phone list  
>From: Christian (college setting)<strong>  
>I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.<p>

**To: Trish Stratus  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: John Morrison<br>Subject: CM Punk**  
>he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year<br>**To: John Morrison  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>wow. THAT good huh<p>

**To: Mickie James  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Christian**  
>I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash<p>

**To: The Miz  
>From: John Morrison<strong>  
>Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Evan Bourne<br>Subject: Randy Orton**  
>I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.<br>**To: Christian  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From AJ Lee<strong>  
>I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.<br>**To: Twitter  
>From AJ Lee<strong>  
>Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass<p>

**To: Mickie James  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>My mom opened up my bank statement today...my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.<p>

**To: The Undertaker  
>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?<br>**To: James Lawson  
>From: The Undertaker<strong>  
>Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.<p>

**YOU KNOW THE DRILL;) REVIEWS = LOVE**


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMERS: See Chapter One**

_**Chapter Eight**_

**To: Twitter  
>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.<p>

**To: Evan Bourne  
>From: Evan's Mom<strong>  
>did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! -mom<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: The Shield<strong>  
>So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.<p>

**To: Val Venis  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week<br>**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>I don't deserve you.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>Should I go sleeveless of strapless?<br>**To: Lita  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.<p>

**To: Colt Cabana  
>From: CM Punk<br>Subject: JoMo (Domestic)**  
>We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now he's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: Jeff Hardy**  
>Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.<p>

**To: Everyone on her phone list  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>URGENT INPUT I'm at a renaissance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?<p>

**To: Cody Rhodes  
>From: Dustin Rhodes<strong>  
>Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR<p>

**To: Seth & Roman  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?<p>

**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak<p>

**To: The Bella Twins  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material<p>

**To: Stephanie McMahon-Calaway  
>From: Undertaker<strong>  
>It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'<p>

**To: E & C, Shannon Moore, The Hardyz, and Shane Helms  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk<strong>  
>How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place<p>

**To: Zack Ryder  
>From: Daniel Bryan<br>Subject: Kane**  
>We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Dean Ambrose<strong>  
>I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Lita<br>Subject: A night with Kane**  
>Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Christian**  
>Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.<p>

**To: Alberto Del Rio  
>From: Ricardo Rodriguez<strong>  
>I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough."<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Justin Gabriel<strong>  
>Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Edge<br>Subject: A night with Jeff Hardy**  
>We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.<p>

**To: Undertaker  
>From: Kane (college setting)<strong>  
>One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.<br>**To: Kane  
>From: Undertaker<strong>  
>Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!<p>

**To: AJ Lee  
>From: Mickie James, Maria Kanelis and The Bellas<strong>  
>You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: R-Truth<strong>  
>The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced<p>

**To: Justin Gabriel  
>From: Wade Barrett<strong>  
>The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance<br>**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: Justin Gabriel<br>**Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.<br>**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>And it tastes incredible.<br>**To: Twitter  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>And I have chest pains.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.<p>

**To: Randy Orton  
>From: Cody Rhodes<br>Subject: John Cena**  
>Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Beth Phoenix<strong>  
>We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Lita<strong>  
>God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Michael Cole<strong>  
>Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Stephanie McMahon<br>Subject: A date with Mark (Undertaker)**  
>I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.<br>**To: Stephanie McMahon  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I'm so proud, I have tears<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<br>Subject: Trish Stratus**  
>she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.<p>

**To: Ric Flair  
>From: AJ Styles<strong>  
>At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck & CM Punk  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Why am I wearing a dog collar<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck &amp; CM Punk<strong>  
>Only way we could keep you from running into traffic.<p>

**To: HHH  
>From: HBK<strong>  
>"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.<br>**To: Edge  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>I'm on the job.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.<p>

**To: Shane Helms  
>|From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>I'm drunk at 3:28<br>**To: Matt Hardy  
>From: Shane Helms<strong>  
>I'm jealous as shit at 3:34<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: The Shield (Ryback is also involved)<strong>  
>I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.<p>

**To: Rob Van Dam  
>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson  
>From Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...<br>**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Cooper Lawson<strong>  
>gifts from me to you. you're welcome.<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson<strong>  
>Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: AJ Lee<br>Subject: Dolph Ziggler**  
>That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.<br>**To: Anna Hollebeck  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.<p>

**REVIEWS = LOVE:)**


	9. Chapter 9

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Hmmm...not sure if I like the way this chapter turned out. LMK if it sucked;)**

**DISCLAIMERS: See Chapter One**

_**Chapter Nine**_

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
><strong>From: Ted Dibiase<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Randy Orton<strong>  
>What did he say?<br>**To: Ted Dibiase  
>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
>NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!<p>

**To: Shannon Moore**  
><strong>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON<p>

**To: Randy Orton**  
><strong>From: Daniel Bryan<strong>  
><strong>Subject: The Bellas<strong>  
>You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.<p>

**To: Maryse**  
><strong>From: Miz<strong>  
>I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.<br>**To: Miz**  
><strong>From: Maryse<strong>  
>you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left<br>**To: Maryse**  
><strong>From: Miz<strong>  
>goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan<p>

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Johnny Curtis (Fandango)<strong>  
>I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Mickie James<br>**Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: Stephanie McMahon-Calaway<br>Subject: Undertaker (Mark)**  
>I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff<p>

**To: Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel  
>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.<p>

**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion<br>**To: Chris Jericho**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.<p>

**To: AJ Lee**  
><strong>From: Kaitlyn<strong>  
>You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.<p>

**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Edge<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: Lita<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Matt Hardy, and Jeff interrupting<strong>  
>his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink<p>

**To: Trish Stratus**  
><strong>From: Mickie James<strong>  
>seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.<br>**To: Mickie James**  
><strong>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>This is why you are not allowed out in public.<p>

**To: Kaitlyn**  
><strong>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night?<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?<p>

**To: Randy Orton**  
><strong>From: John Cena<strong>  
>We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.<p>

**To: Randy Orton**  
><strong>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you<p>

**To: Edge**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.<br>**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Edge<strong>  
>God I adore you.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.<br>**To: Stephanie McMahon**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Did you at least offer to let him get it out?<p>

**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.<br>**To: Chris Jericho**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.<br>**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman<br>**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Best superhero ever to exist<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Lita<strong>  
>Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.<p>

**To: Edge**  
><strong>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.<p>

**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Edge (College setting)<strong>  
>3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
><strong>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.<p>

**To: Trish Stratus**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra<p>

**To: Twitter (Twit Longer)**  
><strong>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Stephanie McMahon<strong>  
>Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?<p>

**To: Evan Bourne**  
><strong>From: Cody Rhodes<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Randy Orton<strong>  
>He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Dolph Ziggler (College)<strong>  
>Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots<p>

**To: HHH**  
><strong>From: HBK<strong>  
>Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences<p>

**To: Christian  
>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>My vagina is screaming your name. Wtf did you do to it<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven<p>

**To: Heath Slater  
>From: Drew McIntyre<strong>  
>If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and faceplant?" the answer is yes.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: Mickie James<br>**Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...  
><strong>To: Mickie James<strong>  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
><strong>From: Edge<br>**I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue

**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Christian<strong>  
>Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: Ryan Shamrock<strong>  
>I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Stephanie McMahon<br>**At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now

**To: Matt Hardy**  
><strong>From: Shane Helms<strong>  
>As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak...<p>

**To: John Cena**  
><strong>From: Wade Barrett<strong>  
>Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.<br>**To: Wade Barrett  
>From: John Cena<strong>  
>Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.<p>

**To: Ryan Shamrock  
>From: Val Venis<strong>  
>Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Brian Kendrick<br>**Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: AJ Lee<br>**Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving

**To: Jeff Hardy  
>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
>YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES<br>**To: Matt Hardy**  
><strong>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Rob Van Dam (high schoolcollege setting)**  
>Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.<p>

**To: Christian**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Jeff Hardy<br>**You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Christian<br>**Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

**To: Shannon Moore**  
><strong>From: Matt Hardy<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Reby<strong>  
>I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have<p>

**To: Cooper Lawson**  
><strong>From: James Lawson<strong>  
>I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.<p>

**To: Anna Hollenbeck**  
><strong>From: AJ Lee<br>**We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.  
><strong>To: AJ Lee<br>From: Anna Hollenbeck**  
>Oooh, he sounds pretty classy:)<br>**To: Anna Hollenbeck  
>From: AJ Lee<strong>  
>Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.<p>

**To: Fandango (Johnny Curtis)**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.<br>**To: Chris Jericho  
>From: Fandango<strong>  
>God you're perfect.<br>**To: Fandango**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.<p>

**To: Randy Orton**  
><strong>From: John Cena<strong>  
>All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing<p>

**To: Jerry Lawler  
>From: Michael Cole<strong>  
>Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<strong>  
>also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever<p>

**To: Edge**  
><strong>From: Christian<br>Subject: Anna  
><strong>She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable  
><strong>To: Christian <strong>  
><strong>From: Edge<strong>  
>thermos full of jaeger bombs?<br>**To: Edge**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>Affirmative<p>

**To: Maria Kanellis**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.<p>

**To: Bret Hart**  
><strong>From: David Hart Smith<br>Subject: Tyson Kidd**  
>Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.<p>

**To: The Shield**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>Subject: Antonio Cesaro**  
>he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment<br>**To: The Shield**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Edge<strong>  
>classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable<p>

**To: Fandango**  
><strong>From: Chris Jericho<br>Subject: CM Punk**  
>Can't find our DD<br>**To: Chris Jericho**  
><strong>From: Fandango<strong>  
>He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages. They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.<p>

**To: Lita**  
><strong>From: Trish Stratus<strong>  
>We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.<p>

**KEYWORD: SHOTGUN **  
><strong>(Shotgunning is a means of consuming a beverage, particularly beer, very quickly by punching a hole in the side of the can or cup.)<strong>

**BTW: Farooq and Bradshaw (Acolytes Protection Agency, look them up on You Tube) and Steve Austin are about to make an appearance.**

**To: Farooq**  
><strong>From: Bradshaw<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
>she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Steve Austin<strong>  
>They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!<p>

**To: Dolph Ziggler**  
><strong>From: Zack Ryder<strong>  
>Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero<p>

**To: Farooq**  
><strong>From: Bradshaw<strong>  
>shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Stephanie McMahon (College)<strong>  
>Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Steve Austin<strong>  
>It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner<p>

**To: Bradshaw  
>From: Farooq<strong>  
>some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<br>**9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Edge &amp; Christian<strong>  
>grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.<p>

**To: HBK**  
><strong>From: HHH<strong>  
>You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup<p>

**To: Farooq **  
><strong>From: Bradshaw<strong>  
>We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Anna Hollenbeck<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Steve Austin<strong>  
>A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.<p>

**To: Matt Hardy**  
><strong>From: Jeff Hardy<strong>  
>Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Bray Wyatt<strong>  
>its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Zeb Coulter &amp; Jack Swagger<strong>  
>We just shotgunned beers for America<p>

**To: Daniel Bryan**  
><strong>From: Evan Bourne<strong>  
>that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level<p>

**To: Twitter  
>From: Bradshaw<br>**One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

**To: Ryback**  
><strong>From: John Cena<strong>  
>you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Randy Orton<strong>  
>Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Bradshaw<strong>  
>The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd<p>

**To: Jinder & Drew**  
><strong>From: Heath Slater<strong>  
>Dear room mates I tried to shotgun PAM in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Steve Austin<strong>  
>Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Undertaker<strong>  
>apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Dolph Ziggler<strong>  
><strong>Subject: AJ Lee<strong>  
>she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters<p>

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
><strong>From: CM Punk<strong>  
>you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying<p>

**To: Bradshaw**  
><strong>From: Farooq<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Rob Van Dam<strong>  
>It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Christian<strong>  
>im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.<p>

**To: Steve Austin**  
><strong>From: The APA<strong>  
>You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Shannon Moore<strong>  
>Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...<p>

**To: The APA**  
><strong>From: Steve Austin<strong>  
>I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Lita<strong>  
>His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.<p>

**To: Tyson Kidd**  
><strong>From: Farooq &amp; Bradshaw<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Natalya<strong>  
>You may now shotgun with the bride<p>

**To: HBK**  
><strong>From: HHH<strong>  
><strong>Subject: Hornswoggle<strong>  
>Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light<p>

**To: Twitter**  
><strong>From: Tyson &amp; Natalya<br>Subject: Their Honeymoon:)**  
>Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.<p>

**YOU KNOW THE DRILL!:) REVIEWS = LOVE**


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